When soon becomes now - lessons in less
It is just over a month ago that I ended paid work. Having served a three month notice preceded by agonising indecision around when to resign, the word ‘soon’ in response to the question ‘when’ had grown tired and finally morphed into ‘now’. And here I am in ‘now’ and like many that have found themselves in this position through choice or circumstance, I have struggled with doing less, with structuring time, with letting go, with slowing down. In a society that demands more, this lesson in less is difficult to learn.
Now I find I’m too woolly-headed with cold to think or do very much. I’m behind on the two courses I’ve signed up for to fill my time and which will hopefully help me progress towards a life that is more autonomous and better suited to my interests and strengths. It’s as if an invisible hand has pushed me down and the voice accompanying it would say: Slow down, rest, wait, write, trust, take your time…
We are told: ‘You only have one life', and ‘Don’t waste time’ but if we heed these warnings too literally our chances of living the life that calls to us will be wasted in the process.
I have made some good memories in this precious month and have reflected on what living really looks like. Yet sometimes it’s as if I have only allowed myself to catch glimpses as I’ve dared peep between the fingers of a hand held up to eyes unopened to the possibility of breathing and being, rather than doing. It’s no coincidence that central to distraction is action.
I need to remember that in allowing myself a few more moments in the woods staring up into the canopy as the rain lashed down soaking my face, soaking my hair; I wasn’t answering to anyone but my inner voice. It’s a voice that has waited a long time to be heard above the humdrum of everyday distraction, powerful despite it’s limited vocabulary of which it was prepared to share one word at a time, starting with ‘now’
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